The Darkness inside

...Leaving the trails that portrayed me like this..!!!
As the curtains fall it showed the real me, which was something i never thought i would be.
I was on the wrong side and was standing with bunch of Hypocrites who were expecting something unexpected from me.
I remembered the time when it seems like all was "perfect", i was doing good for everyone. But then I met the reality.....

I need you this summer

…Sometimes, I wish for change. Sometimes I wish that men would be nicer and that women could make up their minds about what they want once in a-while. Sometimes I wish that she will come back to me and love me again. Most times I don’t. Wish for that, I mean. Because I know now that I miss something that no longer exists. Something that disappeared a few years back and that probably won’t find it’s way back anytime soon. Other people have started to notice too. Asked me about it. Come to me with their questions hoping that I have answers. Most time I don’t. She is gone, lost. I saw her the other day and her smile was broken. Not literally speaking of course, she doesn’t get into fights or anything, she’s not like that. At least she wasn’t before. It was her smile that gave her away. The smile that I had studied for a year and knew by heart had changed into a grim smile. Suddenly it starting calling out for help.

And that was when I knew. I am going to help her. Because she is the one. She is my soulmate. She is my everything. And I owe it to her. I owe it to us… ”It is better to have tried and failed than to spend the rest of my life wondering what would have happened if I actually got through to her and helped her find his way back. To me. To her. To life. To us.”
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(5 years back..)

I spent one year out of my life with you. Just one. Just one measly year out of 21 years of my existence and the impact you left still keeps me wondering about you from time to time. I met you at a strange time in my life. I was still talking to another girl who had completely and utterly destroyed my heart and I was trying to win her back and move on from her, all at the same time. My heart was a mess but you never found that out about me and maybe that's why you meant so much to me, because in you, I found a girl who was completely new.. Right then, right in that moment- I knew that I could fall so dangerously hard for you, but I also knew that it was impossible- that you were basically just a figment of my imagination from here on out, and that for once in my life, I could be a boy whom both you and I had never met. You made me smile so big, you gave me butterflies, and you had real manners. You told me about your life; about how much you hated liars, how grey it always was and how much you loved being over here. You told me about your little brother and his craze for GTA vice city. You told me about your mom and dad and what they did for a living. You told me about being yelled at every time you see a cat while in kitchen. You told me about my own city, you knew more about this beautiful place than I had known, I felt like the tourist. I had so much fun with you, I laughed and i blushed and I felt so important to you. I learned that you laugh lil’ weird but very cute “ha ha ha…”  instead of saying thanks, that you love to have rajasthani cuisine and you hated rice, that your choice of having a 5 star chocolate instead of dairymilk chocolates matches perfectly with me. I was just genuinely captivated by everything you were.

I never saw you after that. You moved to a real world, clear across the world from me. We kept in touch for a bit, but eventually your contact became less and less until you faded away. I can only assume by now you have met another boy to captivate for the life. But thank you. Thank you for that one year. Thank you for holding doors open for me, thank you for paying for my mobile recharges, thank you for making me happy even for a moment.

I always wonder why life sends you these people who steal your heart in an instant, only to let them disappear shortly after. I always wonder what these fleeting people in life are supposed to mean to you. I wonder how it's possible to meet someone and feel so at home with them when you can't even name their favorite color. I don't quite know the answer, but I do know this: at a time when I was completely broken, you showed me what it was to feel again and for that I will never forget you. You have forever captivated me in one year in a way that it would take some, years to do. People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime and you'll never know which someone is bound to be and even more, you don't have a choice in deciding. You were a reason, but god, how I would have loved to spend a lifetime with you.

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(Today...)

I want to see you this summer, I just don’t know if you want to see me again, I believe that what we had was something special, I know it seem silly and that I am a dreamer. I want to believe that you are my love and I want you to be my love.

I wish I could talk to you about it, face to face but today I don’t know if I have to courage to tell you.

I want to be with you.

“I had a dream the other night about how we only get one life, woke me up right after two… stayed awake and stared at your photographs. So I wouldn't lose my mind, if we only die once I wanna die with, if we only live once I wanna live with you…”

“A” Missing you Miss. “K.S”   (AKS)  

My best kept secret

My therapist said I should write you a letter. Free hand, she said. Just keep writing and writing. But if I did this with a pen my arm would give out much faster than my fingers would typing on a computer. So I went for the 21st century version of writing a letter. I feel almost angry writing this, knowing you’ll never read it. I know you’ll never read it because I’ll never have the guts to give it to you. There’s no point. It’d be like reading a letter from a stranger. Because that’s what we are. What we’ve become. “Strangers”. I don’t even know how either of us would react were we to pass one another on the street. Would we smile? Light up with joy? Or be shy and coy? Would we ignore one another, or pretend like we hadn’t seen each other and quickly glance the other way? Would it be awkward or extraordinary? My therapist knows a few things about me. Where I go to college, my relationship with my parents, what I want to be, my addictions. And last week she learned another thing about me. I am a hopeless romantic. I am a 21 year old boy holding onto the relationship I had when I was a 16 year old because I’ve yet to find another relationship as fulfilling since ours. As I was explaining our story to her I could hear and feel how pathetic I sounded. How delusional. Am I hitting stalker potential? Is it you I miss or the feelings that relationship gave me? I know how crazy I sound. “Let go” everyone I’ve ever told our story to says, “you need to learn to let go”. But how does one go about doing that? It’s been five years since I’ve seen you. Six since we’ve broken up. Don’t you think if I knew how to let go I would have done it by now?! I feel like screaming at them all.

Most days I am able to convince myself I think about you so often because I long to be in love again. And you were the only person I’ve ever experienced that with. And then other days I am imagining scenarios in my head of what I’d do if we met face to face again. A lot of the time I wonder if you ever think of me. If you wonder what I’m doing. I mean I live down somewhere on the same planet, I’m your ex boyfriend, your first serious relationship you must think of me sometimes, right? Writing this I feel so foolish. I see on paper the thoughts and feelings in my head that I am ashamed of. This is really getting quite old you know? I’m sick of talking about it myself. I wish I could see you once more soon, this summer even, just so I can get the idea of seeing you out of my head. And maybe then I’ll feel better. I don’t know why it is I feel the need to see you. I think the spiteful part of me just wants to see how you’d react.

You nailed it on the head when signing my high school yearbook, “I guess the saddest thing about our whole situation is that there was no definite ending.” You can say that again. I need an ending. I don’t leave things half finished or with a “…. To be continued” on the end. You’ve gone on and written your love stories while I am still here waiting for the final unfinished chapter of ours. This is a co-author deal here ”K”, I can’t write the ending alone. GOD I sound like such a psycho ex boyfriend. But I often wonder do you talk to your friends about me at all?

I guess I just don’t understand how someone can mean so much to you and then you’re okay with never seeing them again. I’ve been okay with not seeing my friends because I wasn’t in love with them, they came and they go after every three years, you know why, right? I was only ever in love with you, and I know in my heart you were in love with me too. How do you fall out of love? More importantly how do you fall out of your first love? Is it possible to? Is it really possible to ever fully move on? Or do we just find someone else to fall in love with to fill the void? I think the saddest thing about my still thinking about this all these years later is I don’t even really know you now. We’ve been apart five years since high school and we’ve both changed, and grown, and become two totally different people from who we were when we were 15. In a way as a result of the ending of our relationship and the obviousness that we weren’t getting back together I think I started to love myself a little less. Maybe that’s why it was so easy for me to lose myself in the college scene. I’ve changed a lot you know. Not so great in some ways. I’ve damaged my body, my relationships, my trustworthiness, and most of all my spirit. You said not to lose myself among the crowd, to stand out and be individualistic. Is that what you loved about me so much? That back when I was in high school I didn’t care about fitting in? I don’t blame the friends I’ve made, I have made some wonderful ones along the way don’t get me wrong. They have pulled me out of some of my darkest nights, moments I would never dare to bring up again. I blame my inability to say no when it was appropriate. But it would be so easy to blame you for all of my downfalls the last five years. I’ve tried relationships but... I’ve run away from opportunities to be loved. I’ve been reckless with others’ hearts. I have been chaotic. And I’m not proud. But I’m learning and working on it and trying to get myself back to a place where I’m not afraid to look in the mirror. But you don't know any of this about me.

So I wake up everyday, go to work, go to class, go to family functions, hang out with friends, take showers, listen to music, read books, eat dinner with my family, go to temple, run in my neighborhood, go to the grocery store and the mall, order coffee at CCD, text several people a day, see a therapist, write in a diary, stay up late, do all of this and all the awhile no one I come in contact with ever knows that I am always thinking of you. You have always been my best kept secret.

when we were together

Everyone always wants to know how you can tell when it’s true love, and I think the answer is this: when the pain doesn't fade and the scars don’t heal, and it’s too damned late.

I loved you because you observed me as no one has, in my silence, you captured my habits, and quirks and still loved me. Last summer meant so much to me. More than you can ever imagine. And when you left I was a wreck. The letters I sent I tried to seem okay but I wasn't, I cried every night and every day I would wait for you to come back. In our time together you claimed a special place in my heart, one I’ll carry with me forever and that no one can replace. I believe that memories can have a physical almost living presence, and the times we shared are the best I've got. When I close my eyes I can see your face, when I walk it’s almost as if I can feel your hand in mine. Those things are still real to me, but where they once brought comfort, now they leave me with an ache. I hope you never have to think about anything as much as I think about you.

I fell in love you when we were together, I fell more in love with you when we were apart. I think that is dumb of me to say because while I was falling you were being hardened, trained, and sculpted into a person that I didn’t know. But I guess if you love deeply, you’re going to get hurt badly but it’s still worth it.

“I never planned on falling in love with you, and in a different way your family, I always thought it to be unnecessary and messy. I learned the hard way that I was right.”

I often remember our intimate moments together, the way we shared ourselves completely I feel as if that time has permanently linked our souls. I never opened myself up to anyone like that, and I hope I never have to do that again. I hope that you are the only one who knows each and every one of my secrets and fears, I hope that no one else hears my voice telling them that I love them when I first wake up or that I fall asleep in almost every movie theater. I hope that no one knows that you twitch when you sleep. I hope that no one comes to know the sound you make when a certain spot on your neck is kissed or that you might be the perfect girl.

I miss you, whenever something funny happens you’re the person I want to tell. I want to make dinner for you and buy birthday cake ice cream because I saw it in the store and remembered it is your favorite. I want to fight with you, and explain, in depth, why the TRUTH is better than the DARE. I want to pretend to be interested in your dress selection  and kiss you goodnight every single night. You and I shared something wonderful and I never want to forget that. You are truly one of a kind.

You’re thoughtful and honest, a true person, but more than that you are the first girl I ever truly loved and no matter what the future brings, you always will be, and I know that my life is better for it.

I love you, always.