Goodbyes are never Perfect...

I wrote this nearly two years ago, the void is still there.

Nothing in life is certain, people, places and occurrences come and go. Nothing in this world is permanent. Life is a fleeting moment that reforms in each new passing instant. And while nothing is permanent, we are still affected and moved in unexpected ways. People that you never expected to hold significance in your life, become the ones hardest to forget. They stroll into your life as insignificant as single leaf is to a tree. And in a season or two, they fall, and their loss strikes a surprising pain.

Naked is the only way to describe how the loss of something so presumably insignificant makes you feel. You find that the smallest things throw you into memories that now seem so bittersweet and haunting. Every memory glorified to be almost unworldly perfect, but when you strain hard enough the flawed details surface, and realize your perceived reality is skewed. I can only equate this phenomenon to that of when someone dies. Suddenly their memory is perfect, every flaw vanishes. It’s not that they were perfect in reality, but rather from some reason we torture ourselves by believing their memory is flawless, making their severance nearly impossible and painstakingly difficult.

This same situation holds true when you must muster an agonizing goodbye to someone close who moves to a different country, state, or even city. Their tie becomes almost impossible to cut as you trick yourself into believing every moment with them was much more magical than in reality it was. Their loss strikes a plaguing fear; the fear of forgetting them, and the fear of never finding someone to fill the empty void they left. While your common sense tells you that your void is not permanent, for nothing is, you heart is heavy with the notion that you emptiness is impermeable. It is simply easier to tend to the haunting memories of a past lover than to lend your fractured being someone who could easily, “kick you while you’re down,” so to speak. But what is even more difficult than saying a goodbye is to see the world in someone who sees nothing, to value their life above your own when they value their own at less than the worth of a single penny. To hear the words, “I want to die,” from someone so close feels like a knife plunging right the bottom of your soul. It obliterates every last bit of you, leaving you entirely hallow. Hopelessly all you can do is wish and pray that they find all the things that you have found in them. Hope that they discover why you fell in love with them, why you felt they were worth tearing down your fear of vulnerability for. To deal with a goodbye is hard enough, but deal with the idea that the person you feel so deeply for is suicidal is beyond what any words can describe. And then to be constantly bombarded with the question of how do you feel about so and so leaving is beyond difficult. You want to scream everything that you are feeling. You want to break down and cry and tell them how you are riddled with fear, confusion, and pain, but that’s not what people really want to hear. So you do what is easiest for them and for you and you say that you couldn’t care less, even though it is the furthest thing from the truth.

I know that time heals all. I know eventually people will stop asking, and it will get easier. While a big part of me wishes I could forget everything, an even bigger part of me has believe that everything has purpose. While the purpose may not be clear now, I have hope that someday it will be. That is the beauty of fate. I have hope that things will get better not just on my end, but on her as well. Severance is never easy, goodbyes are never perfect, and I’m finally at peace with that. So goodbye and take care, may you find joy in all that you do. I only have the best of wishes for you.

And the rest of the world falls away...

"Love: a single word, a waspy thing, a word no bigger or longer than an edge. That's what it is: an edge; a razor. It draws up through the center of your life, cutting everything in two. Before and after. The rest of the world falls away on either side." 

- Lauren Oliver, the author of Delirium

Days like today when all else is done, my time is occupied by memories of you. Every second of every hour are the thoughts of I'd rather be with you.. wherever you are. But you will never know that... why?.. Well because I'm too scared to say what I feel.

Too scared to say- I wanna be with YOU.

Too scared to say- I miss you like heck.

Too scared to say- I'm sorry.

Simple enough, but yet so difficult. How do you begin to tell someone what they mean to you? Or how much they mean to you? It's easy when I think of the "I should'ves" and "could'ves" looking back now, but when the time comes.. I freeze. I guess cause I loved the guarantee that if I didn't speak, then I could always stay close to you. Even if it was just as a best friend. Such a twisted thought, but I knew deep in my heart somehow I always wanted you to be a part of my life. And now; I've messed ALL that up.

The misconception that you just wanted to be "friends" forced me to think, I needed to step back and move on. To allow you to find what you were looking for cause no matter how much I wanted there to be an 'us', I wasn't gonna jeopardize your happiness.

Maybe that was the heroic thing to do.

Not to be selfish (although I wish I could be).

But I feel much like the villain. I lost your trust. And I have no excuses. I don't want to try and make any either. I just want you to know (in your heart somehow) that I think about you all the time and like said before you're not easily forgotten. It's embarrassing that I cannot be strong enough to tell you this but I can write it all down on a screen you will never see. This is my comfort zone, for now, so this'll have to do. And secretly, the little brave part left inside of me, is silently telling you:

I loved us.

I've missed us.

I miss you... but most importantly; I love you.

-K

...but my memories wont seem to let you go.

It’s like a door that’s too old, that never quite shuts right. And using that little bit of "leeway", you somehow always manage to weasel your way back in into my life, into my heart… Only to leave me time and again, always in pieces.

Everybody else perceived me as aloof and strong, but they never knew how you were my one weakness, the love I could never seem to get over.

The first time you left back in high school, I was broken. I gave everything I had to you, and even then it wasn’t enough. You shattered my dreams of a "fairy-tale-romance", and with it, my very soul. A glass shard seemed permanently etched in my heart and everyday was an agony. Even breathing hurt so bad. When we passed each other in the hallway, you never once looked my way. It was as if I’d suddenly dropped out of existence from your world. You needn’t had to bother with avoiding me, because I did enough for both of us. Seeing you simply hurt too much. Nobody saw the tears I shed for you; nobody knew that I feel asleep to a damp pillow every night. I never let them.

Then we went off to different colleges, and I moved out of state. There were just too many memories of you around and I knew I had to get away in order to rebuild my life. I cut off all contact with my friends and people who knew you and erased everything in existence that reminded me of you. I slowly picked up the pieces of my strewn heart and carefully glued them back together. I had barely learnt to get used to the constant aching in my heart before you slipped back into my life.

You showed up at my doorstep, out of the blue. When I arrived back home one day to find you sitting there on the steps to my apartment, conflicting emotions ran through me. I wasn’t ready. For this, for you, nor to face the pain once more. I was about to turn and walk off, feigning ignorance, hoping that you’d be gone by the time I got back from a sudden urgent need for a dose of caffeine, but you looked up at that moment and met my eyes. Those clear, brown eyes of yours. Filled with apprehension, I forced myself to walk forward and acknowledged your presence with a slight nod. We stood there in awkward silence before you finally spoke, spilling apologies and confessions of love and how you did me wrong. Words that I’d longed to hear before, but only served to bring the pain afresh now.

Somehow we started talking again, and not long after got back together. I hesitated for a while, but still caved in to you in the end. Maybe things would be different this time round? We’ve both grown since then, surely things would be different. At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

The second time you left me, I had just started my second year in college. My carefully restored life fell apart around me once more. I couldn’t think straight. I didn’t get why history was repeating. Weren’t we over all that? Where did my happily ever after go to? I started to lose hope.

You stayed away. I locked away my memories of you for a second time. Tight.

Into my third year in college, I got to know a really sweet girl. she was good to me, and I was comfortable with her. It was the closest thing to normal that I’ve felt since you left.
And then you came back.

I wavered. I shouldn’t have, I know. And I lost a great girl and friend. And so it continued… Every single time that my life was starting to have some semblance of normalcy, you would show up and smash everything to smithereens. You were like a windstorm leaving destruction in your wake everywhere you went, especially me. It took a few more times before I finally decided that I was too tired to care or love anymore, that maybe love was never for me. I can’t go on like this forever, throwing down my life for you and having to pick up the pieces each time you walk away. So I let you go. And placed a door wedge AND a chair against the damn door and locked it forever. My life will not be yours; You will not be allowed to wreck my life anymore.

 Right now, I’m not happy, and I’m starting to think that maybe I never will be happy again. But at least I’m not sad all the time anymore. That counts for something, right? And maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll get over you. Or maybe I’ll never ever get over you, and that’s okay too. I’m learning to get over the thought of loving you.

-k

My scripted destiny...

I miss someone to share the little space that’s left in my bed. I miss the handholding, the foot-flirting, the smiles and the laughter and all those little things. Making those phone calls in the middle of the night cause I couldn’t fall asleep knowing you were angry at me. Texting you from half a world away just to ask how you felt today. Typing emails asking about your day because we wouldn’t be seeing each other for another week. Having meaningless conversations in bed way to late at night to make any sense out of anything at all. All those things that I took for granted but missed once they were gone. I was too angry. Too depressed. Too sick of life to understand that life wasn’t what was getting in the way all that time. It was me. Walking blindfolded through life and only seeing the dark places. You used to try and light them up for me but I keep switching that light off consistently. The dark somehow seemed safer, because if I only expected the worst then I would never have to be disappointed when the outcome was nothing more than that. All the good stuff that happened would just be a bonus. But that it no way to live, apparently.

Time dragged on and I kept at my depressing ways. Sending messages every day to you about how much I hated my life and that today would be the day that I finally killed myself. When I look back at it now I am surprised at long she stuck by me through all of that. But then again, aren’t people who love you supposed be there “through thick and thin – sickness and in health”? Then all of a sudden it was over and I didn’t know how to live anymore. It sounds so dramatic and cliché but I cannot describe it any other way. There was no more reason. To live. To love. Only reasons to die. I don’t know where the turnaround was but all of a sudden there was something to look forward to.

After that I booked a vacation from my life to Jabalpur, to go back to the place where I started out. Just to try and run away from it all for a while. Until it all came back. I noticed that I can’t run away from myself and all the feelings that I still seem to have. I learned to love again on my trip. Learned how to live life happy again. Learned to smile and laugh and sleep alone again. But no matter how hard I try I couldn’t seem to erase you. How do I get past that? Do I even get passed the feeling that I just lost my soulmate? I know I am young and now is the time to be stupid, make mistakes, fall in and out of love so many times that I lose count, experience life and do all those things I dream about. Yet, it feels like you were my soulmate and that everybody after you is just a replacement, someone to fill out that lonely feeling with.

Last time..you sent me message "forget me otherwise i'll suffer..". BUT still, every now and again and I would look at my phone in the morning and thought of reading something that would make me smile the whole day...Saying that you need me to come back to where I belong. To be in your couch next to you playing TRUTH-OR-DARE Game (I hope you remembered..isn't?) and discussing things we don’t even care about really but then we still talk about just because we want to hear each other’s voices for as long as possible. That you want to get to know me all over again because this time, it might be different. And even though that all sounds good – how do I know that you won’t leave again if the going gets tough for me again? I guess it doesn’t matter. I guess I will get past it someday. After all, you are my soulmate. And soulmates never die.

I Miss You
(It's 9th Oct....Happy Birthday my love)

All Your Love

I just realized, how small I feel when you aren't with me. How scared I am of everything, when I can't be with you, or when you turn away. How everything in my life means nothing at all anymore, when I can't share it with you. How alone I feel when you aren't here to understand my ways, and to love them. How incomplete I am without you.. Everything is half. Or nothing. It's like a big gap has been punched through my heart. A part is missing. You took it with you, the biggest part of my heart, and therefore because it's with you, I can not share it with anyone else anymore. It will always be with you. Even now you're gone, no one interests me. There isn't a girl who catches my eye, or interest. Nothing compares to you. Its like - Once you've had a taste of perfection. And you aren't even actually perfect. You have imperfections. But dear god, how I love all of them.

You are perfect to me. For me. With me... For I am not perfect either. I am still trying to not mess up. And to be as good as I can for you. Because even though when I was with you, it felt like I could never be with anyone else like I am with you, it still felt like I couldn't deserve you. (In a good way.) You are way up there for me. And I'm always trying to reach. To touch it. I don't just love you. I'm with you. Everything in me is you. Every memory I have. I don't know how to love without you. I don't know if I want to. Everything is gone. I wish I could say that I'm better off, but it feels like I won't ever meet anyone like you ever again. It feels like I won't ever love again like I did with you. Passionately. I didn't know I could feel this empty. But in a way it's addictive, because it makes me feel that what we had is... was real. That it wasn't just something. The memories are a drug to me and kill me.


(How do you live/love when all your life/love has been taken from you?)

Rain drops from my heaven

She lives in a street named "Solitude alley". She is quite a dream...I like to think, I enjoy walking alongside her. Even such a thought puts a spring in my step and makes my imagination race...

Today morning, as I was walking past Solitude alley, I caught her at the window. She had just removed the blinds and her face glowed as the rising sun met its match. She looked dressed up and ready. Next moment, perhaps, she would have turned to the mirror and fastened the last strand of unruly hair firmly behind her ears.

I continued my walk to the bus stop. The driver is a young chap. He wears his shades no matter what the weather is and he drives with such concentration that I often wonder if he is on a tightrope walk. His face lacks any expression and he saves his gaze only for the road ahead. Anyways, I am dithering from the subject....

I turned back just in case, destiny for once decided to be friends with me! To my utter disbelief, there she was, sauntering down the solitude alley...can you imagine silence whispering in your ear? If you find it difficult, perhaps, you should listen to the sound of the first rain drop that hits the ground on a pleasant summer morning. It is not loud enough to be noisy but it qualifies for a sweet whisper...I strained my ears, yes, it was beginning to drizzle.

Our dream did not have an umbrella and neither did she care. She lifted her head slowly and looked up - a movement that appeared to me choreographed to perfection. Just then, a drop caressed her eyelid. She batted her eyelashes, a gesture that can look only sensuous on her.

She began to walk briskly whilst a miracle was underway. The rain drops seemed to single her out. They were gentle on her. It became a spectacle in no time. Right in front of me, the heavens were blessing the dream.

As she stepped inside the bus shelter, the spell was broken. The heavens ceased shedding tears and the sun peeped again emerging from the thin clouds.


~AKS

Stranger Than a Fiction...

When you pick me up, my favorite songs was always playing on my music system..."Kasak". You tell me not to speak, wanting to explain what is going on. I ask for you, but you just can't.

I've always cared for you. Always loved seeing you, hearing from you, fighting with you. At the same time, however, I've hated you. Despised you more than any person I know. You made me hurt in a way that I've never experienced, you embarrassed me, you left me. To this day I cry when I think about that night when you yelled and left our relationship to the WAVES. I laid in bed during that winters, weeping for reasons I don't even know. Crying for what happened. I had never felt that before.

Getting not a single letter from you nearly ripped me to shreds. It was an apology but I cried as if the "break-up" had happened again. My letter back was full of pent up resentment, and I think back now that it may have been too much to be said in a letter. When you read it you wrecked your heart. I made you as mad as you had made me. That was the point.

Eventually winter's gone, everything starts to fade..., seeing you the other day in my dreams made me livid again. I didn't deserve to even be in the same place as you. I didn't deserve your glances, you knew that. We fought when around each other, people complained about the tension we left in the air. We didn't care. We've never cared... :)

This time last year I tried this the first time. I came to you, convinced you of the importance of our relationship and You unwillingly agreed. Soon after, everything fell apart. As I come back to you. You told me "you can't let me in." I want to. I want to be the one to hold your hand, I want to walk holding your arm and feel joy, but I can't.

I told you of what I've done this year to keep you close as we walked around the gardens at night. You know something ...that story was beautiful "me and you", the "Teddy-bear b'day Present" that you thought were from a friend, the night I came to see "The Moon"--all unnoticed. I have always been there and You had no idea.I said that I want you but you felt its just like a dream. You had no idea that you had the ability to care anymore, but you still can't let go. There is something holding you back there.. Because I know you are never like this. Whether or not... this will happen again, I don't know. Jumping in head first brought me more pain that I ever thought imaginable. I'm here to say that I am willing to eventually walk up to the shore and ease into that SEA where we left US.

Right now, however, I'm not even close to the water.